Compiled by Richard Anthony
A Sermon on Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sabbath, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. Now, on to my sermon about the sin of lying."
The Missing Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
A Letter From Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Ten Best Excuses "The World" uses if they get Caught Sleeping at their Desk
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.And the #1 excuse they say if they get caught sleeping at their desk..
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Things my mother taught me
- My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
- My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
- My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
- My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.
- My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
- My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.
- My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
- My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me."
- My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
- My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
- My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
- My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
- My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand.
- And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
This is a story of four working people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody: There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it. But, Nobody asked Anybody. It ended up, that the job wasn't done, and Everybody blamed Somebody, when actually, Nobody asked Anybody.
Three priests were meeting privately to share their innermost confidences and to pray for one another with respect to their major weaknesses and personal stumbling blocks. The first frankly confessed to his two confreres that he had a serious problem with lust. He shared with them a number of ways that he found himself in compromising situations and told how he was frequently stumbling in this area. He asked them for special prayer in dealing with this weakness.
The second, encouraged by this display of candor, admitted that he, too, had a problem, but with money. He found that he just couldn't resist skimming occasionally, and was guilty of a number of indiscretions regarding this weakness. He confessed his need for better stewardship and asked for prayer.
The third priest then reluctantly responded, "I must confess I appreciate the remarkable candor of both of you. My weakness is gossip, and I can hardly wait to get out of here!"
I know someone from the mid-west, and they are very wholesome people there. They use words like “cripes,” like when they say, "For cripes sake." Who would that be? Jesus Cripes? The Son of Gosh of the Church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?
A Few Words From The Visionary Steven Right
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
From The Wit Of Andy Rooney
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......you finish off as an orgasm."
The Color of Wisdom
Dear White Fella, Couple of things you should know. When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black. You white fella, When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. And when you die, you gray. And you have the guts to call me COLORED?
Best Trial Comeback Line (true story)
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial... it went like this:
Question: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Answer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Question: Officer, who provided this description?
Answer: The officer who responded to the scene.
Question: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Answer: Yes sir, with my life.
Question: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
Answer: Yes sir, we do.
Question: And do you have a locker in that room?
Answer: Yes sir, I do.
Question: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Answer: Yes sir.
Question: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Answer: You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Best Comeback to a Judge (true story)
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their G.I. insurance. Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided to stand in the back of the room and listen to Jones's sales pitch. Jones said, "If you have G.I. insurance and are killed in battle, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have G.I. insurance, the government has to pay only $6,000." He concluded, "Now, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Three Proofs of Jesus
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS HISPANIC:
1) His first name was Jesus, 2) He was bilingual, 3) He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1) He called everybody "brother," 2) He liked Gospel, 3) He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1) He went into his father's business, 2) He lived at home until he was 33, 3) He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1) He talked with his hands, 2) He had wine with every meal, 3) He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1) He never got married, 2) He was always telling stories, 3) He loved green pastures.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1) He had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food,. 2) He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, 3) Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
United In Hope
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
Tell No Lies
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery." The landlord, feeling sympathetic towards the man's situation, rented the apartment to him.
Joe and Bessie
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Big Brother or Buffoon?
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations, October 10, 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning, the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment..." Moral: never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
Think about this, Sports Fans...
The amazing conclusion is...the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
- The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
- The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
- The sport of choice for front line workers is football.
- The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
- The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
- The sport of choice for corporate officers and professionals is golf.
Killer Biscuits Wanted for Attempted Murder
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
The Remnant of Martyrs
One Sunday morning during a church service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black, ninja-type uniforms and carrying submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed,"Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."
Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had asked the question took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out.
A young boy just got his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they can discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible, and get your hair cut, and we can talk about it."
After a month, the boy came back and, again, asked his father if they can discuss the use of the car. They went into the study again and his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and studied the bible diligently. But, you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a minute and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Moses, Sampson, and even Jesus had long hair." The father said, "Yes. And they walked everywhere they went."
- Do you know why a chicken coup has two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
- What do you call it when you combine math and a boring politician? An algorithm (Al-Gore-ism).
- Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe (can't elope).
- What building has the most stories? The library.
- A cop got out of his car, and the teenager, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. The cop says, "I've been waiting for you all day." The teenager replied, "Yea, well I got here as fast as I could."
A Child's Perspective
A young girl of seven years old is very interested in learning about some things. She asks her Mom, "Mom, why did you and Dad divorce?" She says, "Sweetheart, you wouldn't understand. You need to be older for that." A few minutes later, she said, "Mom? Two other questions. How old are you and how much do you weigh?" She says, "Sweetheart, there's certain things that ladies, grown-ups, don't like to discuss. That's two of them, and you'll understand when you get older.
So the next day at school she tells one of her classmates her frustration at her Mom not answering her questions. The classmate says, "Gee, you know, a lot of that type of information is on the drivers license. So why don't you check your Momma's drivers license?"
That afternoon, she has an opportunity to look at her Momma's drivers license. She's thrilled with the information she found. She says, "Mom, I know how old you are, you're thirty-seven years old. And I know how much you weigh, you weigh 135 pounds..." Momma was amazed. The girl continued, "I also know why you and Dad got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
The Words of Work
I'm a high school math teacher. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumber jack, but I couldn't hack it so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was only a so-so (sew-sew) job. So next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting for me. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. My last job, before I finally settled on teaching, was working at Starbucks (a coffee cafe), but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
- Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded.
- A Russian, American, and a blond was talking one day. The Russian says, "we were the first in space." The American says, "We were the first on the moon." The blond says, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun." The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot; you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blond replied, "Well, like, we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night."
- What do you call it when a blond dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
- A brunette went to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm in horrible pain." The doctor asks, "Where?" The brunette says, "Everywhere." The doctor says, "Show me." So, the brunette took her finger and pushed it on her elbow and screamed with pain. Then she put her finger on her knee and screamed with pain. Then the doctor says, "You're not a brunette, are you?" The woman says, "No, I dye my hair. I'm a blond." The doctor says, "I thought so. You've got a broken finger."
- A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door burst open and in come four exuberant blonds. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne, and ten glasses, take their order and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, and they begin toasting and chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!"
Soon, three more blonds arrive, take up their drinks, and the chanting grows, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Two more blonds show up and soon their voices are joined in, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" Finally, the tenth blond comes in with a picture under her arm, walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle, and the table erupts! Up jump the others. They begin dancing around the table, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer. So he walks over to the table. There, in the center, is a beautiful framed children's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blonds, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blond who brought in the picture says, "Everyone thinks that blonds are dumb, and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The writing on the box said, "two to four years," but we did it together in fifty-one days!"
- A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lbs, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lbs, and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lbs, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
- Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Prison and Work
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three free meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to Visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often Sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
The Difference between Men and Women
An exceptionally attractive woman heard wedding bells whenever she thought of a brilliant composer. "With your brains and my looks," she told him, "what wonderful children we would have!" Replied the composer, "Have you considered a child with my looks and your brains?"
A man's real position in a woman's mind:
Boyfriend - credit card holderA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
Fiance - Gold card holder
Husband - Chapter 11
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -I don't like to interrupt her.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Anne Bancroft
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns
Why Men are Proud of Themselves
- A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
- We can open all our own jars.
- We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
- We can leave a motel bed unmade.
- We can kill our own food.
- We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
- Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
- Everything on our faces stays the original color.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough...maybe too many.
- We don't have to clean the house/apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- Car mechanics tell us the truth.
- We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
- Same work - more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
- Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
- We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
- We almost never have a "strap problem" in public.
- We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades.
- We don't have to shave below the neck.
- A few belches are expected and tolerated.
- Our belly usually hides our big hips.
- We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
- We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Chemical Analysis Of A Woman
Accepted as 118 lbs, but known to vary from 85 to 550 lbs.
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given correct treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various stages ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
1. Has a great affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most money-reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.
3. Extremely volatile when disposing of, regardless of level of caution and care exercised.
While this element is highly unpredictable in its behavior, there is no other known element in the universe to replace it. Despite the hazards listed above, it is highly sought after and irreplaceable. Without it, the element known as man would cease to exist in its present state. In fact, it would cease to exist altogether. So it is an element to be treasured and safeguarded by all who are lucky enough to have it.
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