The Secret of Stephen’s Wisdom

Stephen had great faith (Acts 6:8), and was filled with God's Word and was mighty in God's Spirit (Acts 6:5). He concentrated on the "wisdom that is from above" (James 3:17), not on the wisdom of this world. The qualities of God's wisdom are listed in James 3:17-18, "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace." What a great verse!

I want the wisdom that is pure;
I want to avoid being defiled.
I want the wisdom that is peaceable;
I want to be a peacemaker.

I want the wisdom that is gentle;
a soft answer turns away wrath.
I want the wisdom that is approachable;
I don't want to have anyone turned away from the Kingdom.

I want the wisdom that is full of kindly thoughts;
love does not assume the worst.
I want the wisdom that is full of tolerant actions;
love bears all things.

I want the wisdom that is without favoritism;
I want a heart that thirsts for justice
I want the wisdom that is without hypocrisy;
I want to be pure of heart.

If I try to establish and maintain God's principles in my family and fail to do it in kindness and love, I will cause my wife to react to me and my convictions, and I will provoke my children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4). The command to be kind and loving is a final test of whether I have fully built God's principles and standards into my own life. I am usually impatient with others in the very area in which I am failing. When a member of my family resists or rejects my standards or convictions, I am able to learn and demonstrate the kind of love for them that God has for us, even when we rejected Him.

What does it mean to be kind and loving in all that I do? It means to:

Be committed to the success of each family member. Earn the right to be heard -- do not demand it. Demonstrate a servant's heart and a learner's spirit. Give whatever time and energy is necessary. Learn to see situations from my family's viewpoint. Find out what offends my family and correct it. Always watch for pride and conquer it. Refuse to be angry or disappointed when my family fails.

1) Be Alert to Spiritual Danger!
2) Be True to God's Standards!
3) Be a Man!
4) Be Strong!
5) Be Kind and Loving in All that You Do! This last one is the most important of all five commands. ". . . Above all things have fervent love" (1 Peter 4:8). ". . . The greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Alas, I don't think of myself as being kind at all, but rather thoughtless, self-centered, without good manners, and abrasive in my desire to obey the first four commands. But when it comes to treating people warmly, making people feel valuable and loved, listening attentively, and a thousand other ways of being kind and loving, I realize that my Old Man is not only not dead, but is alive and taking high-potency vitamin supplements. Many well-meaning fathers have resolved to be the spiritual leaders in their homes, and they have been totally dedicated. They have been consistent, but they have failed because they were not kind and loving.

Powerful forces will plant the suggestion to be firm when I should be lenient, and lenient when I should be firm. My old nature has been trained to demand obedience when I should appeal, and to be severe or sulky when my authority is challenged.

The great problem with these Satanic suggestions is that they will usually not be recognized by me as having come from the darkness. I will think I'm being "Godly" when I'm really following darkness. I will think that they are my own ideas, because they are exactly what my old man wants to do. "Every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust..." (James 1:14). In this case, it is a lust for personal power and unchallenged authority -- to "be as gods" (Genesis 3:5). As a man, I must recognize this secret motivation, confess it as sin, and be on my guard for powerful, Satanic, destructive suggestions.

There are very precise skills that I can learn and steps that I can take in order to demonstrate to my family the kind of leadership which Christ had for the Church when He loved it and gave Himself for it (Ephesians 5:25).

1. One must be in a continual state of gratefulness to the Lord.

-- I am sure that if, as a father, I fail to express genuine gratefulness to those in my own family for the efforts they make (large or small) to please me, they will cease to make the effort.

-- A further benefit of my gratefulness is that it will promote an atmosphere of gratefulness within the home. My family will learn how to express their gratefulness as they see me doing it.

-- A basic aspect of gratefulness is a spirit of contentment. This involves the ability to stop and enjoy the accomplishments of my family. If I constantly urge my family on to more achievement and do not stop to enjoy what they have done, they will get discouraged and want to give up trying. They will feel they can never do enough to please me, so why try?

2. One must have a genuine spirit of humility.

-- I must constantly remember that God is working with a fallible and weak person. Past failures are a key means of reminding myself that there is no room for pride. Every father should maintain a "sanctified Hall of Shame" in the back of his mind. Whenever there is a tendency to be critical of a member of my family, I should mentally revisit my own "Hall of Shame."

-- God has the right sort of jealousy. He will not share His glory with another. Whenever there is praise, I must acknowledge that God is doing it and that it is only by His grace that things are working together.

-- This humble spirit must carry over to those in my family. I must emphasize my need for my wife and each of my children. They need to hear me tell them that I need them and love them. They need to hear that I can't do it myself and that God never intended that. I will emphasize that God brought us together as a team and that each one needs the other.

-- A further aspect of humility must be demonstrated by me in admitting when I am wrong. If they do not see that I recognize my faults, they will immediately translate this as pride. They will also assume that I do not need them.

3. One must learn to control ones tongue and ones emotions.

-- I do not have the right to be "down" emotionally. If I am down I should get up as quickly as possible. I cannot afford the luxury of wallowing in depression or complaining about how hard things are.

-- The members of my family want to see in me (their father) a consistency that they can count on. They become discouraged if they see me (their father) up one day and down the next. They are expecting and needing continual encouragement and

reassurance from me.

-- By my words I will be condemned and by my words I will be justified. Harsh words and thoughtless statements cut deeply within the heart of a family member and are not easily removed. They fester like a cancer and produce a growing variety of complicated reactions to my leadership as a father.

4. One must have good manners.

-- The very essence of good manners involves continual sacrifice for the family. It involves yielding rights as Christ did. It is making sure that each one in the family is taken care of before I meet my own needs.

-- My manners as a father demonstrate to the outside world what I really think about my wife and children.

-- Lack of manners is a clear evidence to others that I do not respect my wife or children or cherish them as important people. My lack of manners will infect my family. My sons will develop a disrespect for their mother and their sisters. My wife and daughters will develop a devastating aloofness toward men.

5. One must accept everyone where he or she is.

-- I must remember that every child has his or her own rate of development. I must give a balance of supervision and freedom to fail. Too much freedom will be interpreted by the children as rejection. Too much supervision will also be interpreted by my wife and children as rejection, and a lack of trust.

-- I must always remember where each child is going and be patient. I must also remember how far each of my children has come and be thankful. It is vital for me to appreciate each person in the family for what they are now rather than what they might be in the future.

-- I must never compare anyone in my family with another person of greater ability or achievement. I can challenge the members of my family by exposing them to the lives of great Christians. This is different than the pressure of criticism by comparison.

-- I must assure my children that I wanted them and they are a special provision from the Lord, just for this my family.

-- God is holding every father accountable for each child whom He entrusts to him.

6. As a father, one must recognize individual worth and potential.

-- I must recognize the strong points and the weak points in each member of my family. I must emphasize the strong points and see how he could provide training which would strengthen the weak points.

-- I must make a commitment to each person in my family that I am committed to their success and God's reputation rather than my own reputation or the "family name."

-- Family members need to be reassured that their father loves them and that whether they are right or wrong, I will always love them. They can break my heart by doing evil, but they must sense that I will never disown them.

-- I must never ask members of a family to do things without expecting to give them more than what they have given. This is the unspoken commitment of a father. I should not ask my family members to do things that I would not do.

-- I should anticipate that each member of my family is going to fail me at some time. I should, however, anticipate it and do all that I can to avoid it. If it is something that cannot be avoided, I must fortify them to go through it in victory.

-- One clue to where a family member will fail is the weakness of a father in that same area. Scripture tells us that the sins of the parents are visited to the third and fourth generation. It is essential for me to work out a program based on my own weaknesses. These should fortify my children against failure in the same area.

7. One must earn the right to be heard.

-- No father should expect the right to be heard and I should certainly not demand it. I must earn this privilege by developing a relationship with each one in my family.

-- Relationships take time and are fragile. Any discipline I administer in the family must be on the basis of my relationship with that person. The basis of my commitment is to make them successful and to watch out for their safety. This requires continual sacrifice by me for each person in my family.

-- When I earn the right to be heard, I must cherish that right and not abuse it.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God" (Matthew 5:9). The Greek word for "peacemakers" is eirenopoios, related to the word from which we get the English word "irenic," which means:

irenic \i-'re-nik, -'re-\ adj [Gk eirenikos, fr. eirene peace] (ca. 1864) : favoring, conducive to, or operating toward peace, moderation, or conciliation _ irenically \-'re-ni-k(e-)le, -'re-\ adv

The same Greek word is found elsewhere in the New Testament:

Mark 9:50, "Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another."

Romans 12:18, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."

2 Corinthians 13:11, "Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you."

1 Thessalonians 5:13, "And to esteem them very highly in love for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves."

Being at peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

But in spite of these clear commands, our modern culture is the most violent in the history of the world. And the wars committed by governments are emulated by citizens. Even followers of Christ have picked up the spirit of the modern world, and are not peacemakers like Jesus commanded them to be.

In days like these, when the Christian faith is locked in mortal combat with "the powers and principalities of this world," the cry goes up, "God, send us men! Men of great faith! Faith in God, faith in Christ, faith in one another, faith in themselves."